Once upon a time in the Enchanted Republic there lived a beautiful princess whom the people affectionately called Sarah the Conservative. She was much loved and deeply admired, as her physical beauty was exceeded only by the strength of her character, the courage of her convictions and her determination to be independent and self-sufficient. Princess Sarah was comfortable with her femininity; she understood both its advantages and its limitations. For this reason she was reviled by liberal women who envied her beauty and felt threatened by her courage and strength.
One summer day, as Princess Sarah walked past the Lake of the Forlorn, she heard a strange sound and went to the water’s edge to investigate. When she parted the reeds, she saw an enormous frog sitting on an even more enormous lily pad. The frog was truly forlorn and his eyes gazed up sadly at the princess, who was moved by pity to ask him whence the nature of his sorrow.
“Ah, dear lady,” he croaked in a weary voice, “I was once a dashing, handsome prince and a great community warrior but was struck down in my prime by an evil queen for daring to be truthful. She turned me into a frog and banished me here.”
“Alas! What a terrible fate that is!” the princess cried out. “Is there no hope for you?”
“There is,” the frog replied. “The spell can be broken only if a beautiful princess kisses me. I see that you are, indeed, very beautiful. But are you a princess?”
“I am indeed!” she exclaimed.
What Princess Sarah did not know was that the frog was once Prince Barry, a Knight of the Metrosexual Roundtable in the service of the evil queen Michellia the Nut Cruncher, a mighty Amazon warrior who ruled the nearby kingdom of Testosterophobia, a darkly terrifying place. He was changed into a frog after telling Queen Michellia it was not the $4,000 designer dress that made her ass look fat but, rather, the fat that made her ass look fat. In a fury, she hurled an arugula crate at him and then turned him into a frog with a wave of her magic celery stalk.
“One kiss from you, O beautiful princess,” said the frog, “and I shall be transformed into the handsome prince of your dreams.”
Princess Sarah was overwhelmed. Could this be the prince whom she had always dreamed she would one day wed? She reached down and picked up the frog, holding him out in front of her so she could gaze into his eyes.
“If I kiss you and turn you into a prince, how will you show your love for me?”
“I shall love you as only I can,” he continued, barely able to restrain his glee. “Every day when the sun rises I shall remind you of all the suffering in the world that is caused by the republic of Ronaldus the Dullard. During breakfast, when we munch on granola and prepare our signs for the anti-everything protest, I shall recite the choicest morsels of Saul Alinsky for your entertainment. After the protest, as we dine on bean sprouts and tofu, I shall expound on the evils of capitalism, killing animals for food and the internal combustion engine. I shall explain in detail my plans for redistributing the wealth of the Enchanted Republic as I fundamentally transform it into a socialist workers’ paradise. And then, before we retire, you shall gently massage my feet with patchouli oil. If you kiss me I shall become a prince again and all that I have promised will be given to you every day for as long as you live. You can even keep your maiden name! What say you, dear lady?”
Later that evening, as Princess Sarah dined on frog’s legs lightly dredged in seasoned flour and sautéed in butter, shallots and a splash of sauterne, she chuckled and quietly said to herself, “I don’t fucking think so.”